A Lesson in Friendship: The Myth of the Strong Friend

For as long as I can remember having friends I have filled one consistent role: the strong friend. Through high school and now college I have been dubbed one of those people who has life together. As a result, I often feel neglected in friendships. I am the one who reaches out, checks up on, and offers affirmation with very little reciprocation. If you have someone close to you that fits the mold of the strong friend here are five simple ways to give them the care they deserve. 

1. Talk to them.

When's the last time you asked them about their day? Sometimes the little, intentional steps go a long way. Make time in your day or your week to reach out to them. Call them. Ask them if they have time to hang out. Showing the strong friend that their issues and problems also deserve time gives them space to be vulnerable. 

2. Avoid force.

Do not corner your strong friend. In fact, don't corner anybody. Corners are bad. Create an open, affirming space for them to share their struggles and be flawed. The pressure, conscious or not, of being the strong friend can build to horrible breaking points. Avoid falling into the trap of forcing them to open up to you all at once. Offer them the chance to share with you and open up organically.

3. Don't assume.

In general, assumptions do more harm than good. Try not to assume your strong friend's emotions. A more constructive route is to give them an avenue to come forward and be supported. Think about how they care for you and others. Give them space and time to lean into you. Be kind. Handle them with the same care they give. Often times they know how to be there for others in a way they wish others could be there for them.

4. Let them be whole.

The role of the strong friend is often two dimensional. The strong friend gives, protects, and cares for others while simutaneously trying to hold themselves together. Don't flatten them into their actions. They are more than a listener, a leader, a caregiver. They can master all these things and still have so much more underneath. Take time to acknowledge that they are a whole human being who can make mistakes, be flawed, and grow. 

5. Do better. 

Evaluate your role in the friendship. Do you support their passions? Do you help them navigate trauma? Is all your feedback based on their flaws? Do you help them understand how to grow in the areas they lack? Lots of foolishness can be pushed under the guise of constructive criticism. Be honest and critique yourself as a friend. If you are failing them in an area (or two) take them time to acknowledge that and start to amend the relationship before it's too late.

Take time today to comfort your strong friend. They need support no matter how tough they seem. Life is full of moments of self doubt that can impact the strongest of us in the most complicated ways. And for the strong friends out there: never be afraid of demanding the love and compassion you deserve. You are worthy of that love and so much more. 

No More Free Therapy: A Lesson In Reciprocity

As a child my number one pet peeve was inconsistency. I hated whenever my father cancelled plans or when my mother never told me exactly what the plan for the day was. Too many variables frequently meant that something was not going to work out for someone. Routinely that someone was me. 

Now, my childhood battle with inconsistency usually means disruption and disappointment. In my 20s I now battle with the inconsistency of adulthood. In my professional life, plans changing and deadlines moving can turn my entire calendar upside down. In my social life, inconsistent friends translates to mountains of conflict-- internal and external. Through it all it is important not to let inconsistencies in my life turn into dead ins. There is always something to be learned (even when the lesson seems incomplete). The lesson hidden underneath my inconsistent friendships was about support and emotional labor.

In struggling with an inconsistent friendship for the past three months I learned a crucial lesson about myself. I give too much. My supportive nature made me prone to giving a listening ear and a helping hand to people who often were absent in my times of distress. Examining the pain these failing relationships caused me revealed a trend. I was giving too much across the board. Several relationships that I was feeding into were not giving me the support I needed. Instead of checking in on myself and my own well-being I was busy giving others support. Essentially, I was giving free therapy to others while having little time to check in with myself. I was ignoring a core standard of relationships: reciprocity.

Reciprocity is key to every relationship we have. In relationships-- romantic, platonic, and career based-- there must be reciprocity. Without reciprocity there is room for miscommunication, distrust, and resentment. To avoid these conflicts there must be clear standards. A few questions that are helpful in checking that our relationships are fulfilling are: What do I gain from this relationship? Am i affirmed in this relationship? Who would I be without this relationship? Do I give more than my partner? Could I be giving more in this relationship? These questions give us a foundation for understanding where our relationships may be more draining than they are fulfilling.

Going into a new year there are new chances to grow and evolve my thinking. One of the big growth targets on my list this year is not stop being a therapist to anybody unless I am getting paid. Unpaid emotional labor is a huge problem and I will no longer be doing sessions worth of work for free. I am no longer settling for one-sided relationships. That's over. 

The lesson to be learned here is simple: we are going after exactly what we deserve and nothing less. Do not settle for less in relationships. Accepting less support, love, and compassion than you require is a sin against yourself. Who knows how much your life could change with fulfilling relationships? Take time to shoutout the people who uplift you. Feeding positive relationships in our lives yields an abundance of positive results. 

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